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4th December 2003

1:40am: hey
i'd ask where everyone dissapeared to, but that would be a little hypocritical. Exams are just killing me, I spend 90% of my time pretending to study. not really a lot to say, just felt like i should update.

I'm loving the song "everyone's a junkie" by our lady peace right now. I missed this band i haven't listened to them in forever. I think i'm going to stop being boring and go watch pirates of the caribean now (yay Johnny depp!) Talk to you guys later

27th November 2003

12:08pm: first big holiday without colin

21st November 2003

9:56am: random quiz thingy
Your Top Ten Bands:
10. bjork
9. live
8. jack johnson
7. modest mouse
6. the beatles
5. pj harvey
4. tori amos
3. sigur ros
2. radiohead
1. dave matthews band

nine Best Friends:
9. sophia
8. ephram?
7. john
6. scott
5. brian
4. gwen
3. ellie
2. Amy
1. Olivia

eight Best Countries you want to live in:
8. great britain
7. japan
6. australia
5. ireland
4. new zealand
3. india
2. canada
1. finland

seven People you want dead.
if i told you i'd have to kill you

six things you want to do before you die.
6. write/make music
5. be more "Gettable" i don't think most people really see how i am underneath the partying bit
4. help a few animals/people somehow
3. travel
2. buy a great camera and take many many amazing pictures
1. find happiness and peace (yoink)

five Books you like
5. 1984
4. confessions of a shopaholic (and the other two)
3. On the road
2. slaughterhouse 5
1. the perks of being a wallflower

four Jobs that you want.
4. groupie ( ;-) )
3. bartender on a cruise ship
2. photographer
1. graphic artist

three People you want to go to a desert Island with and get stranded

Two things that you hate about your self
2. depression
1. not gettable

Person you want to be with for your life
1. uh............. myself
Current Mood: groggy

20th November 2003

12:31am: okay
so i got this game, DDR, its this really old playstation game but is it ever fun. You dance on these beatpad things to the arrows moving on screen. A lot harder than it looks.

19th November 2003

7:54pm: so hey there
I just wanted to drop a note in here to say hi, I didn;t die (i know I've gotten really bad at updating this thing since he's been gone) life's just been very mediocre lately. Vanilla. It's all terribly normal. I talked amy to going into this party with me the other day. i had fun, she left with rehab boy. I don't know if he really is a rehabber but if he's not, he's a con man. Not really my business but be careful ames. But yeah, theres really no news right now, again i promise to be better at updating. lol, i don't know why i feel like i'm betraying my duties if i fail to update this thing no one reads. I'm such a geek.

okay bye

26th October 2003

11:12am: setting the clocks back
gotta say, i love it. Thought i was running late this morning and ended up with an extra hour. Yay :)

25th October 2003

11:06pm: mr jones and me, we look into the future.
I feel optimistic. Today is the first day of the rest of your life and such. I hope this feeling lasts. But then again, it could be the zoloft, maybe not being sad for so long is finally beginning to make me normal? I dunno

Sorry I haven't been updating to anyone on my friends list who misses me (ha!) Just not a lot has really been going on with me, not anything that i really want to write about in a public forum at least. I had a date with this guy the other night. It wasn't too bad, he was a nice guy, kind of hot. Sort of stupid though. I don't know if I'll go out with him again, but it could happen. As I said, I'm all about the second chances right now. I met him at that party i went to with Amy. The one that I didn't want to talk about in here because I feel kind of foolish. But then again, sometimes i feel kind of.... proud? I feel so WB. It was one of those moments where you you feel like a proper american teenager being a teenager. I know i needed it that night. ANyways, enough about that I have to go watch life of Brian.

13th October 2003

11:28pm: So
Amy snappped out entirely on this poor clueless idiot that got assigned Colin's locker. I call him an idiot only because he seemed to think amy losing her mind was a flirtation tactic. I just don't know how some people walk without falling down. Anyways, I guess there's this big drama now regarding Amy and anti-depressants. She wants them, I told her how much mine were helping me; can't hurt right? I don't think Dr. Abbott is on that boat though. Kind of sucks because I know I wouldn't have gotten this far without mine. I remember after Colin died I couldn't sleep, I would wake up every night and just lay there and cry. It was rough. I hope she's okay soon. She's my "best friend".

In other non-amy related news, I bought some really good CD's today, Jason Mraz, The libertines, and The Strokes (my last copy was scratched to bits). SO yay for that. other than that, I'm tired, I have school work to do, and of course I've been checking my e-mails instead, so i'm going to go get at that now. Have a good night all
Current Mood: calm

10th October 2003

6:01pm: One thing i can say about everwood
our governor is not the terminator.

That's just crazy
Current Mood: awake

8th October 2003

2:18pm: It's hard living post-Colin, you know. Oh my God, I can't believe I just said that... I mean, my parents are a wreck, and I'm not exactly a pillar of strength. If it weren't for my friends I don't think I'd have been able to get through all of this. Get through it all? I sound like I'm over everything, don't I?

Icon making does help to pass the time. Maybe I'll e-mail someone, or something. Anything to help my mind wander.
Current Mood: stuck

15th September 2003

11:03pm: Memory and Memorial
Time is gone and time is passed
You struggle to remember the details
Why couldn't it just last?
Well kids, those were the good old days
Hope you had a blast
Struggle in agony
Memories mean pain
Whether happy or said
You're always left standing in the rain
You miss what was and you miss what wasn't
The ghost of what happened and what could have been just .. doesn't
Yearn for more, I want to go back
But we can't, the past is black
So look for the new day
A new puzzle piece forever in your heart
Will lead you on wiser
Even if you and your memories are far apart

I wanted to read that at the memorial, but that would have meant me having the strength to actually go to it. Everything reminds me of him, I keep expecting to see him around every turn of the corner. It doesn't make sense because he's so real in my mind, he is forever. Why can't I run over in the morning and wake him up. It makes me cry to even try and write this.

I'm back here because he's not. He's dead and I'm alive. I was just thinking yesterday, that I'm an only child now. I remember back when we were younger and Colin would tease me all the time. I remember telling him that I didn't want a brother. Damnit Laynie you got your wish.

I couldn't stick around after the surgery, after they brought him back. He remembered me sure, but he wasn't him. He wasn't my brother anymore. But you know, it was like there was this one golden day. A day he wasn't sick, a day he was my brother. One day as a gift from god for me to look back on and smile at through my tears.

After everyone was asleep last night, I went into Colin's room. It still smells like him, there are still pictures all over, pictures of me and my big brother. A family that I'll never have again. There was one in a frame on top of his dresser, I picked it up to look at it and it shattered. I couldn't even stay there long enough to pick up the pieces. I can't pick up the pieces of my broken heart it's too hard and too painful.

I wish that everything would just melt away. Let me melt away, or numb my pain until I've forgotten that it's there.
Current Mood: guilty

21st May 2003

4:07pm: Dear god...

Colin is going through surgery again. My parents called me from the hospital and told me about it. A bit late, right?

I guess that they were just too busy and scared to let me know anything else any earlier.

They said that he would be just fine. Bull. I'm not naive enough anymore that they can just send me away and make me think that they're living in wonderland. I'm too jaded to believe what they say anymore. I called Ephram just to see. He wasn't very talkative but he said that Colin could....

Well he just told me what could happen. I'm so scared for him. I miss my brother, but I can't bear to see him like this. Everyone seemed to think he was better for awhile but I could see it. I want him the way he used to be, normal and healthy.

I just miss him.

School is winding down, not much more to say. You might find it hard to believe, I do at times. But this place, an All girls boarding school really is better than that god foresaken town...

I don't know what more to say, I just feel sick to my stomach . . .
Current Mood: sick

6th May 2003

6:23pm: Nothing meant by the song that I'm thinking of. Right.

Anyways, I've heard about quite a bit, through letters from some of you guys, and mom called me last night.

I'm so worried right now I don't even know what to think. When I went back to Everwood I thought that my focus in life could finally be off Colin, and for about two seconds it was. He's so sick again. He went from being alive and great, to being almost dead, to being an invalid, the golden boy, and now, I don't know. I'm just so scared.

Please just let him be okay, just let him be okay.

Nothing really seems to important after that, but my grades have been okay. There is way too much estrogen here, I'm being drowned in it. No one is, well, interesting enough to talk to so I just pretty much keep to myself, listen to music all the time, do the loads of homework.

School's almost out though, I'm not sure whether or not I'm going home. I don't know if I can. It's just so damn hard all the time.
Current Mood: worried

28th April 2003

6:07pm: Wow.

My own brother flips and I have to hear about it from other people - in a journal - online.

How freaking sad is that. I'm so uninformed.

Colin...*insert clever words of wisdom here*

Nope, I got nothing.

Current Mood: disappointed

6th April 2003

11:15am: Work...

I have a history assignment, and Algebra II stuff to do today. I almost got done with history, only to find out that I did the wrong chapter, UGH. I look forward to the weekend all week long and then when it comes it goes by in like 5 minutes and leaves me with Sunday homework.

St. Anne's is having a play, I think that I might try out. I don't know, I've never really acted a whole lot. Well, not unless you count when I was 5 and did that Church play with Amy, Colin, and Bright. And Bright starred as the whale eaten Jonah... makes me laugh just thinking about it. ;)

Hey Cole, let me know how you're doing. Call me or something.
Hope you all are having fun...
Current Mood: frustrated

20th March 2003

12:25am: And yet another late nighter
Wow, it's pretty late.

Already midnight, but it's not so unusual for me to be up and awake in the late hours. Usually I'm cramming for a big test or writing essays. All the fun things of St. Margarets. It's getting dull really fast though.

I used to think of this place as my prison, but then I come back to Everwood and I'm even more suffocated. Either way, I suppose I will do better here for now. But I know that I can never call this place home.

Sigh. I should get some precious beauty sleep.
Current Mood: groggy

2nd March 2003

11:32am: Back to square one
Well, back here at St. Margaret's.

You know, it's more empty here than I thought it would be.

I thought everything would go back to being like it was before Colin got better, but it's not. I know that everythings going to crumble to pieces, and they'll shatter again. I just . . . couldn't take that.

But, I'm out, I have psych in 15 minutes.

Call me tonight, Cole?

Current Mood: disappointed

21st February 2003

6:01pm: Bah humbug!
Well, Valentine's day sucked, but that was a while ago I guess. I should just get used to it though, nothing works out. But....who really cares right. Not me, no sir.

High School is particularly horrible, I would almost trade this for St. Margaret's. Almost..

I've just been bumming around the house since...the incident.

He really must care about her alot. Ohhh wellllll.
Current Mood: apathetic

13th February 2003

6:53pm: V-day, somebody please shoot me.
Well.... what to say. It took me a while to get this up, not that it really matters at all. I am so anti-Valentine's. Or, at least, I was.

It's just some stupid holiday where everyone rushes to get a date and gets their boyfriend or girlfriend over sized stuffed bears, and boxes of chocolates. It's sickening. All those giddy girls roaming the hallways running into things because they can't see over the balloons.

And this year of course it had to come on a Friday, so what else am I supposed to do. I was just going to stay home and listen to music and brood, but, then this new guy in town, Ephram, asked me to go out with him.

He's kind of cute in that tormented way. But, he's the only one that I've found thats actually worth talking to for more than two seconds, with the exception of Colin, a bit. I don't know though, there's gotta be some reason why he doesn't have a girlfriend.

I kissed him . . . I don't know, I didn't want to worry about anything. Get in, get out, run out. No need to stay here or have a reason to.
Current Mood: contemplative

4th February 2003

9:27pm: Weird
Well, I ended up going on the trip after all. Parents wanted me to see everyone and talk to them again. They're going to make me go back to County next week. Ugh.

Just like Gemma said, I'm weird now aren't I. Out of sight, out of clique. But the funny thing is that I don't really care. I'm not quite sure if it's better or worse than Saint Anne's. At least there's my bro who remembers me! Beaming here Cole, even if I do take backseat. But that's how it always was.

I did find someone worth talking to though, this new guy in town. He moved here while I was gone. Ephram. He's . . . interesting, in a good way, I think. I guess I just might have to find out more.
Current Mood: nauseated

3rd February 2003

6:12pm: Back Again
Wow, well I just got home. I've just sort of been bumming around here eating cookie dough ice cream, but Colin said I could borrow his lap top.

So....here I am. Well, I would go back to school right away but turns out there's a ski trip to attend . . . And of course the parents are making both me and Colin go.

It's just so weird to be back. But . . . I'll see you all soon, really soon.

28th January 2003

7:59pm: Home
They called. I'm . . . I'm coming home. They called me. Mom said that they were ready to have me home. Home. Everwood. I'm leaving this . . . school forever. I feel like I can't breathe, I can't feel. My chest is about to cave in.

I'm just so stunned. They told me that he has memories of when he was younger. Just a couple of memories though. Just of when he was younger. Of me? It's killing me to not know. But I can't ask either. I don't want to be one of those expecting things from him. Expecting him to be someone that he's not.

But Colin? I said it before and I said it again. I'm here, and I'll be there for you to talk to, hang out with, vent at, anything, when I get home, alright?

I'm coming home.
Current Mood: numb

21st January 2003

5:59pm: When?!?!
I am so sick of boarding school. I don't know why my psychotic parents are keeping me here. I swear since the accident I've lost everything. I want it back damnit.

They called me though, said that they just couldn't 'handle' me yet, whatever the hell thats supposed to mean. Seems like I'm never in a good mood.

I won't drawl on about this again though. Hopefully I'll have more to write when I go home. Hopefully I'll go home.

Current Mood: depressed

11th January 2003

1:11pm: Thank God It's . . . Saturday?
This week has been HELL. Ugh. I'm not talking to anyone no matter who tries these days. I think I might be depressed, or something. Could you blame me? I want out of this freaking hellhole. Doesn't matter if I never thought I'd say I want to be back to Everwood. It was an escape first, but now it's a prison.

Well, at least all I have to do today besides being aloof and rude is homework. Too bad that that consists of an English essay on my wonderful Christmas. Hah! How great, breakfast in the hall, where even my own parents forgot to send me a present. Sure, the Abbott's sent me a box of chocolates and jellybeans. Thanks guys, at least someone remembered. :-) But it doesn't make me forget about mom and dad. sigh.

Anyways, that was off-topic I suppose. I also have 4 pages of Algebra II homework. Biology essay on Biotechnology, History essay on Greek philosophy, Science Fair Project. No big deal, right? Horrible. Do these people have anything better to do?! I had a life once, you know.

Colin - if you're reading this, no pressure all right Cole? Just, I know you've heard this a million times, the whole, if you need to talk jig. But, I am here even if you don't take up the offer. And, I got my friends list from you - figured I might as well complain and hear complaints. ; o )
Current Mood: numb

6th January 2003

3:02pm: Well . . .
School has been so unbelievably unbearable, just like life these days. But I suppose that four months at a boarding school called Saint Anne's will really do a number on you. On the bright side I think I'm going back home soon. Colin's awake, but he doesn't remember anything. He's on my mind all the time, and the doctors say that he'll get his memory back soon.

I want to go back to Everwood. I mean, sure the people there can be completely small minded, but I've had enough of this...prison. Maybe this journal will be a little bit of an escape. Colin has one of these things, maybe I'll try and....talk to him on it? I don't know. I dont' know the right thing to do, I never do. I'm just so damned alone. Parents gone psycho, brother just gone. I should talk to Amy...I haven't talked to her in awhile either. I haven't talked to anyone. Maybe it's just because there's nothing to say.

I need to go back, need to confront things . . .
Current Mood: cynical
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