Laynie Hart (layniehart) wrote,
Laynie Hart

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Memory and Memorial

Time is gone and time is passed
You struggle to remember the details
Why couldn't it just last?
Well kids, those were the good old days
Hope you had a blast
Struggle in agony
Memories mean pain
Whether happy or said
You're always left standing in the rain
You miss what was and you miss what wasn't
The ghost of what happened and what could have been just .. doesn't
Yearn for more, I want to go back
But we can't, the past is black
So look for the new day
A new puzzle piece forever in your heart
Will lead you on wiser
Even if you and your memories are far apart

I wanted to read that at the memorial, but that would have meant me having the strength to actually go to it. Everything reminds me of him, I keep expecting to see him around every turn of the corner. It doesn't make sense because he's so real in my mind, he is forever. Why can't I run over in the morning and wake him up. It makes me cry to even try and write this.

I'm back here because he's not. He's dead and I'm alive. I was just thinking yesterday, that I'm an only child now. I remember back when we were younger and Colin would tease me all the time. I remember telling him that I didn't want a brother. Damnit Laynie you got your wish.

I couldn't stick around after the surgery, after they brought him back. He remembered me sure, but he wasn't him. He wasn't my brother anymore. But you know, it was like there was this one golden day. A day he wasn't sick, a day he was my brother. One day as a gift from god for me to look back on and smile at through my tears.

After everyone was asleep last night, I went into Colin's room. It still smells like him, there are still pictures all over, pictures of me and my big brother. A family that I'll never have again. There was one in a frame on top of his dresser, I picked it up to look at it and it shattered. I couldn't even stay there long enough to pick up the pieces. I can't pick up the pieces of my broken heart it's too hard and too painful.

I wish that everything would just melt away. Let me melt away, or numb my pain until I've forgotten that it's there.
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